Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Yesterday Oprah did a show about Motherhood, specifically how HARD it is to be a mother. So all these Oprah viewers Skype-d in with their confessions about letting babies cry it out and not interfering when teasing was going on in the hopes of the teasee getting toughened up and blah blah blah.

She had my attention when she opened the show with "Motherhood is the hardest job in the world if you are doing it right."

I hear ya sister.

Then she had this woman on who said that one day she was driving around doing errands with BOTH her kids in the car and they fell asleep, and she just could not stand the thought of waking them and she had to pee. So she pulled into a parking lot, got a diaper out of the diaper bag and peed into the diaper.

Liar. No she didn't.

I have never tried this. But think about the last time you had to pee. I mean really had to pee. Like holding it was no longer an option. I will guarantee you that when you peed you peed like a racehorse, and I will also guarantee you that if you were sitting on an infant diaper the speed of the flow of urine would greatly outpace the absorption capacity of the diaper and you would be sitting in a very warm pool of your own pee.

But the best part was, the panel of expert haggard moms was lead by Cheryl Hines of Curb Your Enthusiasm. She went on about all the hardships of motherhood, from her luxury home, introduced her live in Nanny to the audience and talked about how hard it was to throw a party for a 5 year old.

And then Oprah started in about how when you become a mother you need to grieve the loss of your old self.

Shut up. Shut up right now before my head explodes.

Ever think that maybe we are over thinking motherhood?

I mean really people? Grieving? Can we just take a minute to get over ourselves.

And all these mothers droned on about how most days you just keep it together for those 10 minutes in the school parking lot and then cry all the way home, and how there are all these expectations and (this was kind of my favorite) NOBODY tells you about how motherhood REALLY is.

First of all, if you have school age children and you are still spending most of your days crying then you have some kind of mental illness, depression or something. Get to a doctor and get it treated. Secondly, who, WHO has the expectations. Women have joked about June Cleaver and her pearls and pumps attire for housework for as long as I can remember. If you are driving yourself to misery because you want to leave hospital in size 2 jeans, and expect a spotless home every second of the day, you are watching to much Desperate Housewives.

But Finally, every mother on the planet will tell you about how great it is to be a mother and how hard it is and the challenges and what you give up and what you gain. The problem is when a person does not have children, and children are just an idea, the listener becomes like a kid wanting a puppy, You can tell them about standing out in the rain waiting for the dog to poop, and the stains on the rug and the chewed up belongings, but in their head they know their dog will be just like Lassie. The childless person listens to you talk about night time feedings and colic and mixed up days and nights and in their head they are nodding at you with a condescending look and thinking, "But my child will be on a schedule, I've read all the books. My baby will wear cloth diapers and I will make all my own baby food, and we will banish TV, and only listen to classical music."

You call me sister the day you give your 15 month old a happy meal and let them watch Yo Gabba Gabba by the hour just cause it makes life a little easier. I won't tell you I told you so. I'll tell you that's just fine.


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