Thursday, April 30, 2009

Shiny Disco Ball

Had a doctor's appointment the other day. I booked it ages ago and in the mean time found out that my son had his Public Speaking contest thingy at the same time, and when I tried to re-book at the docotors I found out I couldn't get in before my birth control pills ran out, and I think we all know that that is no good for nobody.

So I kept the doctor's appointment and missed the wee boy and he got Superior ( the highest grade?, award?, level?), and the adjudicator said he was perfect. At least I am told that it what was said, as I was at the doctors waiting to have him go splunking through my lady parts.

At the doctor's office I spent several very uncomfortable minutes in the nurses room, while she talked to some co-worker, I don't know exactly what it was about, but it must have had something to do with dealing the patient records and confidentiality, and lets just say that the co-worker did not take the comments of Nurse Marilyn very well. As I say, I don't really know what the issue was but the offended party made this big show of walking around the office to show that there was no place that guaranteed totally privacy so we had to hear the sound flaws of every inch of the office. Then when Marilyn came in to weigh me (could not bear to look ) and do my blood pressure and test my urine ( and to my suprise she did not tell me I had a UTI or bladder infection, making this one of the first urine tests I have passed ever) and stuff, the snitty co-worker woman made this big show of talking to everyone in the office in this exaggerated stage whisper. It was horrible and whoever bitchy co-worker woman was, she was totally out of line.

Then I am off to the exam room where I have to strip down and put on a gown that sadly is missing a couple of the ties. My EKG is fine. This would be the high point of the day. I should have taken a moment to enjoy it. After bringing my weight up on the computer screen we have to do a waist measurement...just in case the first set of numbers aren't horrific enough. (Perhaps I should have had a peek at the scale, judging by the double take the nurse and doctor do at the computer, watching the scale must have been like waiting for the jackpot to tally on a vegas slot machine) To further drive the point home instead of just wrapping the measuring tape around my waist dressmaker style, because I am so HUGE the nurse stretches out the tape and I have to hold one end on my my belly-button and then twirl so the remainder wraps around me, as though the journey around my circumference would have been too exhausting to undertake without extra liquids and a power bar.

I get the once over from the doctor and a stern talking to about my sunburn. He actually asked me if it was on purpose. Yeah. Yesterday was the day I was going to start "cutting" but it was so sunny I decided to make my pain real by scorching myself ( on one side because I had to sit on a chair because the loungers are still in storage) under the sun.

Then I was told I HAVE to lose weight. At LEAST 20 pounds, but the more the better. Its not like it is a big secret I am over weight, but having someone stare you in the face and tell you as a medical fact you are fat was a lot more upsetting than I had bargained for. Oh and my boobs are huge. Big enough that he is willing to sign off on an OHIP paid for breast reduction. We agreed that after the weight loss if the girls are still as big as they are now we will put the wheels in motion for that option.

And then on that happy note I got to assume the oddest position ever for my pap test. Which involved not only a disposable speculum, a generous amount of lubricant and latex gloves that were very officially "snapped" on, but a lighted scope. Had I known I would have worn the diaphragm with the mirror ball attachment.


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